State to Take Action against All Parents

Jacqui Smith demands wants more state intervention in family life

Children as young as 5 will all be identified as being at risk of becoming criminals or troublemakers unless deemed otherwise under government plans to tackle free thinking and self-responsibility offending and disorder on the streets.

Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, called for a huge expansion of state intervention in family life as a way of controlling preventing young people from all problem families insert excuse here drifting into antisocial behaviour and crime.

She also said that parents who fail to look after their children properly should have to sign a useless piece of paper contracts forcing them to laugh contemptuously in the faces of the idiotic and naive exercise control.

In an interview with The Times to mark her first disasterous year as Assistant HR Manager in a buscuit factory Home Secretary, Ms Smith also warned the drinks industry that action is imminent to require it to be a proxy to control the way law abiding people consume alcohol enforce responsible standards on alcohol consumption.

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A study by the accounting group KPMG has found that voluntary codes are not working in certain areas because people dare to be people and not sheep. “We have reached a bit of a watershed moment,” Ms Smith declared pompously.

It has been a rollercoaster year for the Home Secretary. Her appointment was one of the big facepalms surprises of Gordon Brown’s first Cabinet reshuffle. Within days there were attempted bombings in London and Glasgow and her cleavage response won praise. Then, as the Government’s fortunes sank, there was Whitehall gossip that Ms Smith was losing out in a turf war with Jack Straw, the Justice Secretary, and other ministers, and clear evidence suggestions that she was might have been overpromoted.

The obscene victory over 42-day detention has changed that perception amongst amoebae and nematode worms and even lifted her into the list of possible successors to Mr Brown bwahahahhehahahehaha. Your kidding, right?. Now she clearly wants to focus all energies on cutting crime and raising public delusion confidence that the streets appear to be but are not safe in the least.

Ms Smith’s enthusiasm for more early intervention in family life as a way of entrenching control of the individual, making them constantly look over their shoulders improving the behaviour of youngsters will deepen revive criticism of Labour’s “nanny state” instincts. But she is an unrepentant Authoritarian old cow.

She said work was already under way in which agencies identify early the people and families who will end up engaging in violence. “I believe it is about invading the privacy and lives of everyone then identifying families in which you are going to interfere intervene at an early stage, where you will expect certain behaviour and if that does not happen there will be bugger all done about it sanctions.”

There has been success with family intervention projects that provide assistance as basic as teaching parents how to get themselves their children out of bed. “We need to see more of that,” Ms Smith said, hinting that an expansion of meaningless, tokenistic and misleading pilot projects will be in next month’s youth crime action plan.

She said she “fundamentally disagrees” with the “nanny state” charge: “It is part of the role of government not to wait till crime has been committed but, for the good of rent-seeking social service commissars the wider community and the other Authoritiarians families themselves, to declare people guilty until proven innocent step in later earlier when it is obvious to all with half a brain agencies that this is the type of situation should have been avoided by not encouraging, funding and housing feckless chavs that can end in tragedy.”

Ms Smith said the first time a young person was given an antisocial behaviour order, there should be a parenting order to go alongside it: “If an under18 is caught on the streets with alcohol, their parents should be punished involved the first time that happens.”

Ms Smith also gave a clear hint that government patience with the drinks industry is running out over its failure to fund the Labour Party enforce voluntary codes of practice on the sale and promotion of alcohol.

The area causing most concern within the Home Office is the continuing practice in some pubs of offering promotions such as "we want your custom" “order two glasses of wine, get the rest of the bottle free”.

She said that the voluntary code suggested that the industry should be able to tackle cheap drink promotions in bars. “We need to see whether there are further outrages on the freedom of the individualelements we need to consider making mandatory,” Ms Smith said. The Department of Health is awaiting a report on the Post Hoc fallacy link between price and alcohol consumption, due in August, but ministers are already considering Communist style price controls banning loss-leader drink promotions, particularly in supermarkets that no longer fund the Labour Party.

Ms Smith’s mutton-headed lickspittles close advisers say that her preoccupation is to show the country that policies on crime are working whether or not the policies actually ARE working.

Although the 42-day detention row is only halfway through - the whole battle has to be replayed in the Lords - the Home Secretary is determined to push on with this outrage against liberty it even if it means relying on votes from any old rancid authoritarian that can be bought out for the price of a Library the opposition parties. The nine Democratic Unionists shame on them were the difference between victory and defeat two weeks ago.

So when the Bill comes back to the Commons from an expected mauling in the Upper House, Ms Smith would take help from wherever it came. “Yes, even Stalin and Co all-comers are welcome,” she said.

Ms Smith accepts that the Government is in trouble but she believes the situation to be recoverable if Labour lose at the next election. Her remedy: “Be clear about what it is we are seeking to do (control everybody). Be clear about the way we have responded to public concerns (i.e. not). Be clear that when the country is going through difficult economic times, our Prime Minister, with his record, is the sort of person you would want keel hauled at the helm.”

my apologies to Richard Ford and Philip Webster